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LET'S TALK ABOUT GIVING.
Dear Ones —
I am blessed. I am over-blessed. I am beyond blessed. There are not enough fingers in the world upon which I could count my blessings. If you ever hear me complaining about anything in my life (ANYTHING at all) please fucking slap me.
Even before I was lucky enough to become financially successful, I was already over-blessed by life. Just the mere fact that I was born physically healthy is already enough to put me high on the global scale of LUCKY. To have grown up safe in a world of danger is another outrageous stroke of luck. But if you add to that all the love and friendship that I have known, and the education I was allowed to receive, and my political freedom, and the creativity I have been allowed to explore…well, like I said: over-blessed.
And so I try to give back.
I know that a lot of us try to give back, in so many ways.
Giving is a practice — an exercise of the soul — that can only be made stronger by more giving.
I remember once I commented to somebody how impressed I was with Oprah Winfrey's extraordinary generosity, and the person scoffed, and said, "Well, I could be generous, too, if I was a billionaire!"
That is a person who does not understand the meaning of the word "generous".
Generosity is a state of being. It is question of your spirit, not a question of your bank account. You're either a generous person, or you aren't. Some of the most generous people I've ever met were incredibly poor (at least financially — not in spirit.) Some of the richest people I've ever met were not generous in the least — in fact, they clutch to their resources in constant terror of scarcity.
I wanted to say to that person: "If you're waiting to become a billionaire before you become generous, I think you're missing the point."
But it's tricky, isn't it? I mean — it's hard to know where to put your generosity. The needs of the world are bottomless, and our resources are not bottomless, so sometimes it seems overwhelming. To give to one is not to give to another, and this can be heartbreaking.
Also, of course, you are almost certain to be criticized for how you give, or to whom — because the critics who walk among us are always so difficult to please. When Oprah started a school in Africa, she was attacked for not helping out closer to home. On the other hand, when Mark Zuckerberg tried to bail out the troubled school system of Newark, NJ, he was critifized for not thinking more globally. Even as Bill Gates is trying to find a cure for the worldwide Malaria epidemic, he is criticized for not helping the homeless of Seattle. When a woman in my own hometown started a club this year to help local teenage girls face down the problem of low self-esteem, she was criticized for not also helping boys.
If you give publicly, you are accused of making a show of yourself.
If you give privately, you are accused of not providing a good example to others.
What can you do?
YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN.
You do what stirs your heart, and what feels right to your soul.
No matter what our resources may be, I know that ALL OF US think about these questions:
What can I afford to give?
How can I share what I have?
Is it better to offer my time, or or money?
Local or global?
Environmental or social?
Animals or people?
The arts or education?
Children or the aged or women in need?
Refugees or homelessness?
Give it all to one organization, or spread it around?
Help your family, or help out strangers?
After years of thinking it over, and trying different techniques, here what I have settled on…which is the best I can do for now.
I divide my giving into these six categories:
I'll start from the bottom up on the list, to explain!
1) Whimsical: In all our worrying about the deep and dire problems of the world, we must not only focus on darkness and evil, or it will make us feel sick and defeated. Always leave a little room for support of the Whimsical, in defense of beauty and the humanities — for if there is not a bit of room in our imagination for whimsy, what is the point of life? For me, this year, that means supporting the restoration project of The Woodlands (the house I based Alma's home upon, for THE SIGNATURE OF ALL THINGS). Here's some info on what I'm doing there: https://bit.ly/1DwwAjf)
2) Intimate: This is helping out the people whom you intimately know. Friends who are going through a hard time. Somebody whose child is having an expensive operation. Somebody who is going through a divorce and starting over. The family whose breadwinner just lost her job. For me, this is the most personal kind of giving, and sometimes the most rewarding — because you see on somebody' face how much they needed the help and the love. This is not only about money, but about your time, your comfort, your friendship.
3) Local: For me, this is the question of how to best help my town. I am not a church-goer myself, but I give money to our local church, because they are so good about helping out my neighbors in need. I might not know who is struggling nearby, but the church community knows. They know exactly who needs food, and who needs help with the oil bill, so I turn it all over to them to decide what is best.
4) Regional: In my area, I am most moved by this charity: Project HOME, of Philadelphia, which works tirelessly to support the most vulnerable population of The City of Brother Love. Sister Mary Scullion, the nun who runs the organization, is one of my life's heroes. (In fact, I was able to nominate her as one of TIME magazine's Most Influential People a few years ago, which was great.) I gave Project HOME all my earnings from Oprah's Life You Want Tour this year. Here is their website: https://ift.tt/13o7JxH
5) National: Planned Parenthood. Very few causes are more important to me than women's reproductive health and safety. I supported them back when I was a broke diner waitress, and I will support them forever.
6) International: This is very hard question. In a world so big, and so full of suffering, how can I help? I give to Doctors Without Borders and The Red Cross, and other relief organizations…but most of my money goes to the beautiful gentleman in the photo below: Dr. Rick Hodes. Dr. Hodes is a spinal surgeon who went to Africa almost twenty years ago on a brief "volunteer vacation" and never left. While he was there, he met an orphan who suffered from spinal tuberculosis — an awful disease of poverty that is barely known anymore in the western world. Dr. Hodes not only performed surgery on the boy, but adopted him. (And he has since adopted — I have lost count — over a dozen other children.) He spends his life fixing the most terrible spinal deformities imaginable in one of the most impoverished places on earth. I've been lucky enough to be able to pay for many of his patients to get their operations, and be able to walk and breathe and live again. Some of these young people had 90-degree curvatures of the spine, and now they are fixed. Does it save the entire world? No. But I cannot save the entire world. But I can help somebody who has had NONE of my advantages in life be able to walk again… and as for that? Well. There are no words for what that does to my heart.
I am so lucky to have so much to give. But I used to give what I could, even before I got so lucky. My mom set that example for me, and I am grateful.
I am so curious to hear how you all have solved the question of giving, in your lives…
Who are your generosity role models?
Who taught you how to give?
What have been your greatest moments of giving?
Where do you share yourself?
And what does the practice of giving offer to you?
Sending so much love this holiday season!
Count your blessing, dear ones. Count them on all your beautiful fingers…
About Rick Hodes
Rick Hodes is an American doctor who has lived and worked in Ethiopia for over 20 years. He is the Medical Director of Ethiopia for the American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee (JDC), a 95-year…
Dear Ones –
First of all, big news (OK, not big news, but big news for me): I got new glasses, and I love them! I've been putting off getting an eye exam for a long time, because I've been in total denial about the state of my 46 year-old eyes, but I finally went to the eye doctor this week…and it turns out that — guess what! — I really cannot see very well!
But now I can see. I can see, and I can read, and I can write without looking like I'm entering the squinting Olympics. And I find myself complaining a bit less about how bad the light is these days in restaurants, when I'm trying to read the menu…
Seeing is nice.
Now, onto other business:
We get a lot of new people joining this Facebook page every day (thank you for joining our little community, new folks!) so once a week, I try to give everyone all the information they might want, about other places on the Internet to find me.
So let’s run down the list:
My website is https://ift.tt/sUqSyM. There, you can find information on all my upcoming events, see videos, read my thoughts on the writing process, and download book club guides to my books!
I have an email newsletter (where I always reveal my big news first, see exclusive home videos, and sometimes run contests, when I remember to.) You can join the newsletter by clicking the icon on the left of this page called "LizNews" and signing up. (You can also sign up for LizNews on the homepage of my website.)
You can follow me on Twitter, where I basically just goof off, at: https://ift.tt/1tJzIxR
You can follow me on Instagram (which I just started because some 14-year-olds told me to) at:
You can follow me on Pinterest (that addictive crack house, whose vortex I try not to tumble down too often because it’s a gorgeous suckhole) at: https://ift.tt/1tJzKpd
And if you EVER want to buy to buy signed copies of ANY of my books, you can buy them online through the shop, Two Buttons, that I run in New Jersey with my husband (otherwise known as “that Brazilian guy”.) The link is right here: https://ift.tt/1pfR7PX
That is all, my dears!
(And yes, in all these various social media forums, it is actually ME doing the posting, the chatting, the responding, the pinning, the time-wasting. I like it. It’s fun. I like hanging out with you guys. I’m glad you like hanging out with me. Also, I have no children and my husband cooks, so I have plenty of extra time on my hands…)
Thanks for everything!
Dear Ones –
Thank you so much for spending the week talking about forgiveness with me on this page. It's been beautiful, and I am grateful.
There is one last thing I wanted to say on the topic of forgiveness, which is this:
DON'T SKIP ANY OF THE STEPS.
To forgive somebody is a great act of courage and grace (and ultimately a gift to the self) but it also must be done carefully, and in the right moment — and only when you are ready and strong enough. This means: Only when you have appropriately processed your anger, your sorrow, your shame, and your lessons.
Be careful not to skip over any of those steps of emotional processing and healing, in your haste to "move on".
Sometimes the reason we haven't forgiven somebody is because we never actually worked on the anger, the sorrow, the shame, or the lessons. We never examined the original pain very carefully. We never talked about the incident with anyone in an honest and vulnerable manner. We never worked the pain out of us. We never allowed ourselves to heal through therapy, or recovery, or prayer, or the support of others…or by learning how to set proper boundaries, or how to take care of our wounded selves with compassion.
Instead, we just settled immediately into RESENTMENT — which is like a hard cast that we wear over a wound that was so painful and frightening (and is still so open) that we never allowed ourselves to go near the point of injury.
The hard cast of RESENTMENT keeps the wound alive, while also hiding it from us.
The poet David Whyte says that forgiveness is so difficult because — in the process of forgiving — we must approach the original injury all over again, and engage with "the raw center of it".
"To approach forgiveness is to close in on the nature of the hurt itself."
In other words, before you can free yourself from the pain, you have to go back to that pain. You must take off that protective cast of resentment, and look at the injury.
This is so difficult to do, but it must be done. This is the step that cannot be skipped. This is the work behind forgiveness, and it's hard work, but it has to be done.
That said, I beg of you not to do it alone. Find somebody to talk to, and to share your process with. Be certain that you are in a safe place, emotionally, and that you are supported. Only then, very carefully, can you peel back the protective cast of resentment, and start to work on the original injury. Only through that work can your true forgiveness begin.
As David Whyte writes:
"Forgiveness is a skill, a way of preserving clarity, sanity, and generosity in an individual life…a way of shaping the mind for a future we want for ourselves."
What is the future that you want for yourselves, Dear Ones?
I know the future I want for myself, and I believe that absolute forgiveness is the only way I will ever get there.
But I won't skip any of the steps along that path, and I hope you won't, either.
Thank you, and god bless you all for sharing this space with me.
ps — and thank you again to Iyanla Vanzant, for her guidance and wisdom on this important subject. Again, I recommend her book FORGIVENESS to anyone who needs support on this matter: https://ift.tt/1p9gXko
FORGIVENESS WEEK, continued…
Dear Ones –
All week on this page, we've been talking about forgiveness. I'm so grateful for everything you've all been sharing with me on this vastly important (and potentially life-changing) subject.
Today I want to share with you this 10 minute TED talk from journalist Megan Feldman, about the two years she spent traveling around the world, investigating the power of forgiveness — both in our personal lives, and globally.
The story she tells here of a father forgiving his son's murderer (and the two families who were healed and brought together by this act of profound grace) gives such inspiration…and challenges all of us, I think, to ask ourselves what sort of transformations are possible in our own lives and souls
I also love that she clarifies the distinction between anger (a normal and sometimes even healthy human emotion) and resentment (which is what happens when that anger HARDENS.)
Also, the ideas about blame and resentment being acts of violence against the self and others….well, this is at the very heart of all we've been discussing this week, isn't it?
I would love to hear your thoughts!
This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. We have to learn to forgive if we are to heal the planet. Megan Fel…